From: *****@ionet.net
Date: 02/25/2000 9:51:35 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: <aimee>
Subject: i want to be freak of the week
hello aimee, i am you're freak of the week (that sort of sounds like a
mccartney lyric). i have tooth decay, pour spelling skills and my greatest
ambition in life is to be a baby seal.
in order to be included into your freak of the week section, i'm going to do
the following "freaky" things: do a hand-stand (no picture included,
sorry), write you stalker poetry, give you embarrassing details about my
personal life and, to top it all off, enact an entire episode of "Mama's
Family" right here in this email.
okay, i just stood on my head.
_ode to aimee_
5th floor, jc penny's
didn't know it existed
middleaged hollywood execs
untrite script they resisted
javascript isn't cool,
i like platform independence
middlemanagement spat out
my custom linoleum prefab fence
if(aimee.equals("single"))
mailto:*****@ionet.net
else
mailto:*****@ionet.net
now, a little about me. i'm a lonely, weak sociopath (this is what my
mother, at least, tells me) with a gift for being incredibly dumb. i
compose 5--count 'em: 5--part fugues on the weekends, unless i'm surfing the
web, which i always am. i want you to like me very badly, if you couldn't
tell, which is why i'm spamming your box. i want to play piano for you,
perhaps while you played pixies bar chords on your guitar and yelled
"blame." then i'd like to see you get into your chat room and type on your
keyboard and move your mouse around. i'm neither ugly nor am i 47 so don't
go getting that into your pretty little head now, okay? i was told that
some women find typing in all lowercase attractive. i hope you do.
actually i don't. i don't know what i want.
(Mama walks in, knitting a dress for, when Aunt Fran knocks on the kitchen
door.)
Mama: We're closed for the night.
Fran: (From outside) Oh Themla, is Buzz here?
(Mama opens door, lets Fran in.)
Mama: No, he has a big date tonight.
Fran: Oh? Do tell! Do tell!
Mama: Some girl he met named Aimee. She sounded like quite a catch from how
he described her.
Fran: Isn't that the girl who's dating Jeff?
Mama: Jeff from Church? Well, I'll be...
(Looks ruffled)
Fran: Hope Buzz knows what he's getting himself into.
(Knock on the kitchen door. This time, it's Edward "Ed" Higgins, played by
the infallible Harvey Korman.)
Ed: Milk man!
Mama: (Opening door) You always milk that one for all it's worth, don't you
Ed?
Ed: Did you see me in the Star Wars Holiday Special in 1978? I was bang-on
in the role of Chef Gormaanda, that androgynous, multi-armed cook!
Mama: What the hell you talking about? Don't make me smack you with my
apron.
Fran: I think we're missing the point here. Buzz is out with a girl who's
dating Jeff!
Ed: Buzz's got a date?
Mama: Date is a loose word.
Ed: I always knew he find a nice, pretty girl one day.
Mama: Sounds like she's the type of girl who likes humiliating social
retards--not unlike yourself, there, Ed--over the internet.
Fran: The internet? What's that?
Ed: Yeah, Mama, remember? This show ran from 83 to 90.
Mama: Right. Anyway, she sounds exactly like a girl who would entice
sexually frustrated hermits to write her idiotic emails involving characters
played by Rue McClanahan and Carol Burnett.
Ed: But Eunice isn't even IN this episode!
(Fran agrees.)
Mama: Well hell, there goes my theory.
(Cut to commercial.)
I want to be Thom Yorke for you,
William
Bravo and congratulations on a job well done! I can only hope William puts as much
effort into other areas of his life as he did on his email to me. Until next freak..... :)
