From: "Tomato" <tomato@clanspb.com>
Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 20:41:54 -0600
To: <aimee>
Subject: i just found your webcam

hey...a friend referred me to your webpage...i think it's great! i absolutely adore your freaks of the week. you are sooo funny and very creative...and i love a girl that's sarcastic and can really put a man down. sometime i'd like you to put me down because i'm into that sort of thing. you can call me whatever names you want...because it seems you enjoy doing that anyway. i don't care what you call me...and i don't care what you do to me...just as long as you're being aggressive and making me feel like a little boy. does that sound like a good idea to you? if it does we should probably hook up. then we could have a hot sensuous night of love and rockets. i'd be more than willing to fly out there so we can play little games. i hope you write me back.

thanks for everything you've done for me tonight. if you don't know what that means...let's just say i have a pile of dirty socks next to my bed that weren't worn on my feet.

love,
tomato

p.s. - you're hot

(tomato spice?)

From: <aimee>
Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1999 05:02:17 EST
To: "Tomato" <tomato@clanspb.com>
Subject: Re: i just found your webcam

Dear tomato,

Thanks so much for your offer.

Can I dress you up in a Pokémon outfit and beat you with a baseball bat until you pass out and/or die? (on cam of course) If not, I might accept you dressing up as Barney, but then I'd need to use a sledgehammer to beat you with instead.

If this sounds like the perfect hot evening for you, please pack up your socks and fly here right away.

Love always,
Aimee

From: "Tomato" <tomato@clanspb.com>
Date: Sat, 11 Dec 1999 15:54:26 -0600
To: <aimee>
Subject: RE: i just found your webcam

dear aimee,

you know...that sounds like a great idea! but that would only make half a night. in all fairness, you'd have to dress up too. i'd prefer you wear a little bo peep outfit while beating the crap out of me. got i'm getting so turned on. make sure you have a big sheep herder's cane. beat me with that. i like to feel so insignificant...like a faceless sheep in the crowd. i think i'm falling in love with you...

love,
tomato

(Note: The joy of being a mental patient must be equaled only by the bliss of being a tomato spice. Are you lost in a world of delusion, irc, and dressing up as various characters because being yourself is just too depressing? I hope Santa brings you some new platform boots for Christmas. But remember...the phrase 'in all fairness' generally does not apply when you venture outside of your spice world.)

From: "Ken *****" <dinner@clanspb.com>
Date: 6 Dec 1999 19:54:25 -0600
To: <aimee>
Subject:  

hi aimee

i think you are smart and pretty and have a charming personality. can we have sex now? i hope i'm freaky enough for you because those other guys just don't cut it. if you let me spend the night, i promise to sneak up behind you and yell boo! and keep you on your toes, or your back all night.

btw, i would just like to add that i dig fat chicks so you don't have to hide anything. also, please point out how i don't use capitals in my writing. that turns me on and puts a capital d in my dick.

anyhow..fantastic work on your face and in my pants. keep up the good work here and there

dinner.

(dinner spice?)

From: <aimee>
Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1999 05:10:15 EST
To: "Ken *****" <dinner@clanspb.com>
Subject: Re:

Dear dinner,

Thanks so much for the sincere and lovely email. Of course we can have sex now or anytime you'd like. You'll have to wait in line, however, there are at least 500,000 freaks ahead of you at this time. I am thankful that you like fat chicks, because by the time it's your turn, I'll be really appreciative if I can take off the girdle and stop sucking in my gut. You don't use capital letters, so you must be really well endowed. Thanks for the compliment to my face, although I have to give credit to a small team of plastic surgeons that I keep on staff at all times. I can't take credit for your pants, as I haven't even seen them. I hope I have addressed all your issues. Thanks for being such a fabulous and supportive fan.
Love and Kisses,

Aimee

(Note: OK so, I contradicted myself a bit in this one, and added a few small exaggerations and some outright mistruths. However, when writing to Spice Boys, it really doesn't matter what you type, they'll only comprehend it if they can relate it to a music video they've seen on MTV. Dinner is obviously suffering over the lack of Spice in his life lately (although with his fabulous pick up lines, I can't understand why). Hopefully the remaining Spice Girls will put out a new CD soon so that dinner can get on with his fantasy Spice Life and have some new material for his drag shows. There is nothing worse than a stale Spice Boy)